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To Blave: A Re-tale

To Blave: A Re-tale

My friggin’ Grandpa shows up on my sick day to read me a bedtime story. He smells like mothball soup. His cologne is made of farts. “Wanna read a book?” he asks. I’m probably about to score a million points on pole position. “Tell that game to kick rocks, you turkey.” I scowl, like, I’ll eat you, Old Man.

“Ok,” he says, “Once upon a time -” I hate this book. I’m smacking palm to forehead big time. I know how friggin’ bad this stinker stinks just on those four words. Gramps asks, “should I continue?” I make a thumbs down at him super hard which means see if I care, you demon. I fiddle with my joystick, then he turns the tv off. “Fine,” I shout, “read your friggin’ book then, you ghost!”

“There was this Errand Boy,” he says. Ugh, this is a dumpster fire of used nappies. “He liked to fetch water and baskets and junk for this Lady he worked for. Every day he leaned in super close to Lady Burgerfingers, which is what she was called, and said, “Whatever you like,” which my grandpa says meant, I love you.

I have to stop the Old Man here. “If this is some book,” I say, “sent from friggin’ smooch city I’m not having it! So, cool your jets and pump the friggin’ breaks!”

Gramps says, “cool it yourself jerko - there’s friggin’ pirates in these pages, a giant, a Brazilian dagger thrower, worms of unusual length, a mathematician, and some idiot with 100 toes.” I shrug my shoulders, like, see if I care, you toad, ‘cause I do sorta wanna know about those hundred toes.

First Part

So, Wembley, the errand boy, skips town early on to make some big money or something to marry Burgerfingers and also prove he’s a man, not a boy. He’s pretty much instantly killed by the Dead Pirate Reynolds. Grandpa’s got very little info on the Dead Pirate Reynolds but apparently, he’s like the head douche of the seven seas and takes no prisoners. 

Burgerfingers is all mopey and agrees to marry Prince Humpsandbumps, from town who’s like, “what do you got to lose,” and she’s like, “my virginity you friggin’ stooge.” Turns out Prince Humps is a stooge and he’s in a total hurry to marry Burgerfingers because he’s hired these three clowns to kidnap her and kill her on their wedding night.

So, a Brazilian dagger-thrower, a tall man, and this big-brained, mathematical magician called Cabeça steal Burgerfingers. The Brazilian likes to play swords, talk about his dad, and talk about murdering the guy who murdered his dad. Tall man likes tree nuts, ladies, and rhyme time. Cabeça likes silence, and riddles, and scarf tricks. They board their tiny boat and sail to Glitter with their Princess cargo.

Glitter is the town across the way. The Hump Prince wants to start this big-time war with the Glittarians. He’s one of these super macho, power-hungry royal dudes. A real bozo. His plan is to blame the fiancé kidnap, which he totes friggin’ planned, on the Glittarians, have a war party, and gobble their land after murdering their peoples.

While the kidnap party is on the high seas the Brazilian keeps talking about this boat that’s sneaking up on their crew. Cabeça says, “that I cannot imagine.”

The Dagger Thrower is like, “Imagine it, Brains.”

And the Giant is like, “yeah that would keep you sane.” Their convo is cut short when Burgerfingers jumps into the water.

“Lady baby,” says Cabeça, “there’s screaming water triggles in these waters. They love eating princesses.”

Princess is like, “that’s B.S. brain-man.” But then she hears a scream that sounds like a bat pinned under the hoof of a mammoth.

I stop the old man here to tell him I don’t buy it.

“you scared?” asks Gramps.

“No, you friggin’ sandwich, keep on.”

A screaming water triggle heads right for Burgerfingers. All of a sudden a friggin’ huge fist smacks that snake-dragon right between the eyes, dead. It’s Tall Man, whose hands are like bread loaves. He lifts the Princess out of the water. The Brazilian shouts, “He’s even closer now.”

Cabeça says, “That, I cannot imagine.” Everyone looks at Cabeça like, dude, he’s definitely closer. But Cabeça points ahead, “it doesn’t matter, because he’ll never catch up to us once we climb that cliff with the conveniently placed rope.” They climb the conveniently placed rope.

“You’ll never believe it,” says the Dagger Thrower, “but this Man Dressed in Black is climbing the rope.”

“This I cannot imagine,” says Cabeça. The Dagger Thrower looks at the small man in disbelief of his disbelief. “We press on, you stay behind him and throw a dagger at his face.”

The Man Dressed in Black reaches the top of the cliff.

“You stay to kill me?” asks the man, reaching for his sword.

“Hold on,” says the Dagger Thrower. “I’m in no hurry to kill you. Catch your breath.”

“You want to play backgammon?” asks the Man Dressed in Black.

“You bet your bones I do,” says Dagger Man. The Man Dressed in Black produces a small travel board with magnetic pieces from his waistband. “This, I cannot believe. How did you get the pieces so small?”

“I whittled them in a prison cell on the far side of the ocean while I awaited a trial of wrongful conviction. It is the only keepsake from that journey, I killed the judge and executioner.”

“I once heard a pirate story like that,” says Dagger Man, “You a pirate?”

“I am known to some as a pirate.”

“You are Reynolds, I have heard of you.”

“I am.” Reynolds throws his hands with a caught me sort of vibe.

“I heard you are a man who does not leave survivors.”

“I have little need for survivors.”

“Maybe we should fight after all,” says the Dagger Thrower. These two clowns draw daggers and chuck them against each other. They do flip moves, body twists, somersaults, hand tosses, and talk it up the whole time. During breaks, they roll dice and tend to backgammon to catch their breath.

The Brazilian tells the Pirate that he has trained his whole life throwing daggers in search of a hundred-toed Demon. He hunts this man, to kill him. The Pirate asks what this demon did. The Dagger Thrower describes a great injustice. His father, a circus performer, made the greatest daggers of all time. The Hundred Toed Man paid him a visit asking for a handful of these daggers. His father made him one single dagger. When the Toe-Man returned he was dissatisfied. He daggered the dagger maker to death. Then he stole all the daggers his father had in his storage locker.

“Sounds like major revenge, man,” says Reynolds.

“Totes. Major,” says the Thrower of Tiny Swords.

“I am sorry you won’t be able to finish your story, though,” says the Pirate.

“What are you talking about? asks the Brazilian. The Pirate knocks him over the head with the blunt end of his sword.

“Your heads gonna feel like snakebite in the a.m., duder,” the Pirate shouts as he runs off.

When Cabaça sees the pirate on their trail he looks to his strong, Tall Man and says, “eat him like bagged lunch!”

“What do I use, a shim?” says Tall Man.

“Just use a tree stump. Beat him in the head,” says Cabeça.

“Until he is dead?” asks the Tall Man. Brain storms off. The Tall Man positions himself behind a big boulder. He throws a tree stump at the Pirate which splinters into a million pencils against a stone wall. “I meant to miss,” screams Tall Man.

“I believe you,” says the Pirate.

“I didn’t think it was fair,” says Tall Man, “to crush you before you were there.”

“You are incredibly kind thieves,” says the Pirate.

“It’s just a job,” says Tall Man.

“Right, so, how will we do this?” asks the Pirate.

“Just hands,” says Tall Man.

“No weapons?” asks the Man Dressed in Black. Tall Man shrugs his giant shoulders. “Very well.” The Pirate assesses the Giant. “Good heavens, you’re a Zepplin!”

“You rhymed! I love rhyme.”

“It’s very fun when you have the time.”

“You did it again! Now I will have a hard time breaking your head.”

“Very good. I’ll hate to lose it,” says the Pirate. “I wouldn’t choose it.” the Pirate nods, “begin!”

The two men wrestle. Tall Man is slow and the Man Dressed in Black is slippery. Tall Man cannot grab the small Pirate. The Pirate slides under his arms, dips under his legs, and jumps on the Tall Man’s back. He wraps his arms around his neck until he puts the large one to sleep. “Pity to leave you here. A pleasant sleep to you, my dear.”

It is upon leaving the tall man that the pirate first sees Burgerfingers up close, the way he remembered her, because the pirate, it is now clear behind his mask, is the errand boy, Wembley. He slowly approaches Cabeça, who is seated next to his blindfolded dream lady.

“You must throw a mean dagger. You made my tall man, fall man, so you must be quite wrestley. But surely you are no match for my brain place.” Then Cabeça pours some wine. “Look, dummy,” he says, “you poison one cup and I’ll drink the cup that ain’t poisoned.” The Pirate nods and secretly poisons a cup.

Cabeça talks a blue streak about his smarts, about not starting a garbage war with a trash compactor, and how if a tree falls in a puddle the ocean burps a sandwich. He says something about if he said she said, and we said he said, then no said what said, if men made no sheds. The Pirate says, “stop stalling, you turkey, and drink your drink.”

“It’s too easy,” says the brainiac, then he drinks his drink and keels over mid-laugh. The Pirate unties the princess and removes her blindfold.

“Time to go,” he tells her.

“Not a chance, you crab,” she says. “You stink of fish parties and sea’s weeds.” 

“Listen, Princess,” says Man Dressed in Black, “we have a pretty minute before half of Glitter is hot on our trail.” Then the princess pushes him over the best sledding hill in the galaxy where he falls in a wicked tumble. While spinning into a snowball he yells out, “what-ev-er-you-like!” 

“My sweet friggin’ Errand Boy,” screams the Princess and she dives down the snow hill after her man. 

Second Part

Down at the bottom of the hill, the Princess is legit surprised to see the man that stands before her. He’s all mask covered and dressed in black and pretty sweetly muscular now too. Gramps says, “She does a little eyebrow wobble checking him out.”

And I’m like, “Hold up! Did this just turn back into a friggin’ smooch parade?” Gramps puts the book down and does a major eye roll at me.

“Listen, dimwit,“ he says, “you wanna finish, or you wanna sleep until you wet the bed?”

“Fine,” I say, “Keep reading you friggin’ demon. You smell like twin hot dogs from last week’s meat parade.” 

“Ok,” he continues, Some horns blow from above the hill.

“Dang,” says Burgerfingers, “my fiancé is up there with his foot soldiers.”

“So,” says Errand Boy, “let’s go party in the stank swamp.” 

“What? There’s stink pits in there.”

“Yeah, but like, we can avoid the stink pits. Don’t worry so much.” 

“My whole life is worry.” 

“Well, it’s time to party,” says Wembley Reynolds, “So might as well start in the unknown realm of the stankiest swamp.” 

“You believe in those WOUP things?” 

“What,” says the Pirate, “Worms Of Unusual Proportions? I hardly believe they exist.”

A minute into the stank swamp Burgerfingers slips directly into a stink pit. The Pirate dives in after her. The stink is too dark and deep and full of rot. And rot means one thing to pirates: Worms. “Blorg!” he blurts through the murky darkness as he fishes around to find Burgerfingers’ burgerfingers. “The friggin’ WOUPs are real! Lookout!” 

A worm of unusual proportion comes slithering up towards the lovers, now in a tight embrace. As the murk clears they see it has a mouth like an anus and the teeth of a many toothed thing. It has blue-grey skin with hairy purple follicles. Its twin sets of four eyes are closed as its pink tongue darts towards the pair. The Pirate grabs hold of that slippery tongue and bites it in half with his wooden teeth. The WOUP makes a sound like a whale-mouse catching its ear on a toaster made of barbed wire. The whole world shakes from the screech. 

They ride the beast up to the surface and the pirate dagger-slices it into six pieces, then he quickly eats its worm-heart. 

“Ugh,” says Burgerfingers, “Why’d you eat the heart?” 

“Always eat the heart of your enemy, Princess. Every friggin’ time.” 

“Let’s get out of here.”

“Ha,” says the Pirate, “I was just thinking we could prolly move in. WOUPs are easy to kill, stink pits are pretty avoidable, and we could mos’ def construct a cabin from all these trees.”

“Um,” interrupts the Princess, “It smells like straight butthole in here. Let’s make haste.”

“Whatever you like,” says old Wembley, as he winks. 

As soon as they exit the stank swamp friggin’ Prince Humpsanddumps is there with his henchman who has one very large shoe. 

“You happen to have a hundred toes on that big-shoe foot, Fella,” asks the Pirate.

“What do you know about it?” asks the stooge.

“I know somebody’s looking for you,” the Pirate sings. 

“Listen,” interrupts the Prince. “We’re taking the girl, and killing you pi-rat!” 

“No,” says the Princess, “you can take me if you swear you’ll keep this sweet errand boy alive.”

“Cool,” says the Prince. “Very cool. Will do. For. Sure.” 

“Just like that?” asks Burgerfingers.

“Sure thing,” says the Prince. “No prob.” 

So the Prince takes the Lady and the Hundred Toed Man stays with the Dead Pirate Reynold. “Shall we head to where I’ll totally set you free?” asks the henchman.

“C’mon, Toes,” says the Pirate, “we are men of acting. Lies are useless riddles.” Toes thumps him on the head super hard and the Pirate in Black fades to that.

Third Part

Rotting away in the enchanted forest on the edge of the kingdom of the Idiot Prince the Brazilian is just about to give up on his lifelong revenge when Tall Man throws him into a well and tells him to wake the frig up, and with some hurry. They need to find the Pirate that beat them, in order to beat the world. 

“Cool,” says the Brazilian. “Now that I’m soaked, I can hear the words from your mouth place. Why you wanna find the pirate. To kill him?” 

“I thought he could help, I think he is top shelf.” 

“Oh, I see. Sounds pretty...neat.” 

“Yeah and he can’t be beat!” 

“You are right, Fezzy, I think the pirate is the secret. But where do we find him?” 

“I heard he was captured by a pink ogre.”

This part’s pretty confused. But, breaks down like this, the pirate is being tortured by Toes, whose real name is Tyrone (and also has one hundred friggin’ toes), a pink ogre, and the frigging Humping Prince himself. They mostly kill the pirate, who appears mostly dead. So Toes and Prince high five and get back to the castle to do dumb stuff.

The Brazilian and the tall man pretty easily find the pink ogre’s underground tree fort, kill old Pinky, are super bummed to see the pirate is dead, and decide to visit a magician to reverse the curse and bring the Pirate Dressed in Black back to life. While Toes and Humps are out playing war at the castle, they throw the Pirate in an ice cream cart and they go to Magic Mike’s house. Magic Mike is an old wizard with long fingers and a sloppy thirst for mudslings. He’s slurping a sling out of a crazy straw when they knock.

“We need your magic,” says the Brazilian.

“I’m retired,” says Double M.

“It’s for revenge!” says the Brazilian.

“I don’t do revenge no more,” says the Magician.

“It is for love!” says the Tall Man.

“Love is overrated,” says the Magician

“You’re overrated!” yells a woman from inside the Magic House.

“Oy, my wife!”

“True love is real love!” shouts Mistress Mike. I get a vomit taste in my mouth. I almost tell Gramps to beat it. He makes a fist at me and mouths, shut it, twerp.

“It’s also to blave,” says the Brazilian.

“To blave!” shouts the magician. “That is worth all the whiles!”

“What’s blave?” asks the Tall Man.

“It means Bluff in Magic,” says Magic, “bring him in, let’s take a look!”

Magic Mike lays the dead man out on his splinter table. He asks his wife for a saw. His houseguests look puzzled. “I kid!” he shouts. “Maybe we’ll make this quick.”

“Yes. Please. We must blave soon, we need this Pirate for this.”

“Got it,” says Mike, “Blaving is the only way to win big at the life party.”

First, the Magician gives the really Dead Pirate Reynolds a chocolate-wrapped reviving twizzler. The henchmen look at the magic man, like, the frig is that thing? Magic man answers without hesitation, “It’s a jumpstart the heart licorice, you knobs. But I wrap it in a slippery sweet chocolate shell so it’s supes pleasant. Once the living kicks in, death can leave a mean after taste, knowudImsayin?” Magic Mike places his hands on both their shoulders. “You do, you both do.”

The Magician grabs a big fireplace accordion, places it over the Dead Pirate’s mouth and blows ash air into the Man in Black’s lungs, The fellas are in disbelief. They think maybe this guy Mike is not so good at magic after all. The Magic Man whips out another chocolate wrapped twizzle-stick from his cloak pocket and says, “give him this baby in a little less than half an hour, then he should be mostly alive again.”

Last Part

The Brazilian and the Big Man throw the limp Pirate into the ice cream cart and haul cheeks to the castle. They reach the gates, give the Pirate his second chocolate stick, and the friggin dead man startles awake. 

“I’ll kill you both. I’ve got two fists. I can’t feel my fists. Do I taste licorice?” 

“You moved your mouth!” says Tall Man. “That’s a big wow.” 

“We are at the castle gate,” shouts the Brazilian like the Pirate can’t hear him. “I am going to avenge my father. The One Hundred Toed man is behind the gate.” He gives the Pirate a big thumbs up. “Oh, we are going to save your princess if we have time and stop the marriage from the Humping Prince, as well.” 

The Pirate says, “I cannot move my body. I am no help to you.” He scratches his brow. 

“Hey!” says Tall Man, “you just moved your arm. Look at you!” 

“What are our assets?” asks the Pirate.

“My daggers, his hands, your brain place.” 

“And nothing else?” says the Pirate. “There are thirty men behind the wall.” 

“I have a fireproof cloak and your ice cream cart,” says Tall Man. 

“Why didn’t you say so,” says the Pirate.

“We just saved your life dude, please stop acting so impatient,” says the Brazilian. 

“My apologies,” says the Pirate. “I’ve been a pirate a very long time.”

The Tall Man sets his cloak on fire, The trio convinces the turkeys guarding the castle that they should be let in. They all scare from cloak fire super easily and disperse. Once behind the castle gates Tall Man and the Brazilian go searching for danger, they lay the Pirate on a bed, and are all, “wait here.” 

The Brazilian finds the man with one hundred toes. “Excuse me,” he says. “Do you perchance have one hundred toes on that foot?” The man looks at his weird boots and up at the Brazilian, turns, does a little baby shrug, and runs. 

“Hey, I am Indigo Mantiega, you killed my father, it’s die time!” He chases after him through the whole castle. 

Meanwhile, the Pirate watches his love enter his room, staying quiet like a creeper on what turns out to be her bed. She places a dagger over her heart, looks like she’s about to do the deed herself, rather than marry Dumbface. 

“There’s like three perfect bosoms in the galaxy,” says the Pirate.

“Oh my Wembley,” she says stroking the Pirate’s face and kissing his mostly dead lips. “Why aren’t you kissing me?”

“I’m mostly dead.”

“What the hell does -”

“Ah-ha!” Prince Humpsandbumps stands at the door. “I’ve found you. And now you will die.”

Elsewhere, in the castle, the Brazilian has caught up to the Hundred Toed Man. He again says Hi to him, tells him his name and prepares him for death. The Hundred Toed Man, like a real sneak, daggers the Brazilian in the ribs.

“All these friggin’ years,” says Mantiega. “All of these years to find you and now die.”

“You’re the little bratwurst whose dad I killed over some daggers a lifetime ago. You’ve been chasing me the whole time?”

The Brazilian unleashes two quick daggers and smacks two slices off the killer’s cheeks. “Hello!” he shouts. Again he repeats his name, reveals his last known address for some reason, and prepares him to die. “HELLO!” he shouts!

“Why do you keep introducing yourself?”

“I am Indigo Mantiega! You murdered my pop-pop, time to die! Offer me cash.”

“I’ve placed you,” says Toes, impatiently, “I remember the whole spiel. You can really -”

Offer me fame and ladies! Offer me twin sugar plantations! A magnificent boat!”

“I have many treasures,” says Tyrone the Toe Goblin.

“Give me my father back you gruesome sammamabitch!” Indigo the dagger throwing Brazilian smacks a hundred tiny daggers at every toe and a final big dagger straight through old Hundred Toes heart socket. Tyrone spits up some blood and dies a big time death which is super sweet.

In the bedroom party down the hall the Prince stands ready to fight the Pirate in the bedroom. The Pirate fakes it like he can use his body and says, “Lose your sword.”

“Or what?” asks Humps.

“Or I cut you up in bits.”

“You’re bluffing,” says Humps.

“Then how is it I can stand.” Wembley, the dead, and now living pirate stands, suddenly able to use a part of his body he didn’t know was undead yet. Then he leans on a bedpost.

“Shall we fight to the death?” asks ol’ Humpsanddumps.

“No,” says the Pirate. “To the Nubs. I’m gonna cut off your lips, your eyes, your arms, your legs.”

“Yes, and then my ears, I suppose.”

“NO!” shouts the Pirate. “I’ll leave your ears super clean so you can hear every horror-scream of every baby and lady that ever crosses your stinking path.”

Grandpa says the Pirate chops the Prince into bits and they all ride off in the sunset. I’m like, “that’s friggin’ sweet Gramp-man.”

Grandpa says “No kidding, you turkey.” He looks at me over the book. “Then they kiss,” says Gramps.

“You ruined it!” I shout at the top of lungs.

Gramps is all, “see you tomorrow you friggin’ mothball!”

Freeze Frame!

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